Britain Loves EntertainmentSummer fair
It’s not just the Jubilee that brings small towns out to put tables on the green and sell cross-stitch masterpieces. A town fair is a uniquely British affair, where all the best grannies, granddads and grandchildren come out to play.
What are the key ingredients to a summer fair?
Games
Coconut Shy, Beat the Goalie (as pictured above by Lamar Francois) and Splat the Rat are the mainstays of a brilliant summer fair. The Coconut Shy is a double-edged sword of a game where if you win you end up with a coconut that stays in your kitchen for months before being thrown out. Beat the Goalie generally sees an 8 year old try and fail to score a penalty against a morbidly obese man. Splat the Rat is a game of reactions that usually leaves you depressed at the slowness of your own hand to eye coordination.
Animals
Great summer fairs often provide a petting zoo for children to get up close and personal with goats. You might even be able to ride around on a donkey that is old enough to recall once carrying your dad around the same fete years ago. Exotic fairs will even have tropical animals such as alpacas, which are frightening to children due to their ability for violent toxic spitting.
Vegetable Contests
No summer fair is complete without the judging of who owns the longest carrot in the village. A local radio DJ will normally have the honour, (though presumably not the expertise) to decide on the best fruit and veg presented. With an unfathomably large cabbage taking home the medal once again.
Summer fetes and fairs are the definitive pinnacle of British summer, especially the ones that get rained off.
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By Tom Greaney
Britain Loves ShoppingRed trousers
Until recently there were two types of people who wore red trousers: posh people and clowns. But, after years of persistence, this unlikely pairing has succeeded in bringing their brightly coloured kecks to fashion mainstream. Bravo to you sirs!
Cherry toned slacks are now flying off the rails up and down the land and roaming our high streets. Traditionally the huntin’, shootin’ and fishin’ set accessorised their red pants with wellies or well woven tweed. Now, every hipster owns a pair and they’re not afraid to wear them.
Available in every shade imaginable, red trousers have become modern man about town’s everyday slacks.
This brings one problem. If you wanted to spot a posh person out of their natural habitat (grouse shoots, polo matches) you had to lurk around your local Waitrose on the look out for some scarlet clad legs marching past. Once spotted, you could observe the lauded gentry in their grocery-based domain and take field notes. Or, you know, flirt suggestively over some oddly shaped veg.
Now everyone’s wearing them how are you supposed to bag yourself a toff? You can’t start trifling with everyone in crimson strides in the hopes they’ve got an estate, double-barrelled name and a trust fund.
Even more worrying, clowns can now walk among us and there’s no way of knowing which maroon-legged gents might be spending their free time bundling in and out of a Mini Cooper for laughs. Sinister.
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By Rebecca Lomax
Britain Loves EntertainmentHair extensions
The ladies of Britain are hairy - on their heads at least. If you fancy ditching your pixie crop for waist length locks or channelling Jessica Rabbit instead of Marilyn Monroe, with hair extensions you can reinvent yourself on a regular basis.
British girls might be inspired by stateside stars like Rihanna, Katy Perry and Beyoncé, who regularly showcase weaves and hairpieces in their videos, but they’re more likely to show the look off in Londis than on MTV. Whether they’re hitting the dance floor or walking across the office carpet, hair extensions play a big part in the lives of thousands of British women.
Liverpool
Loose curls and glossy locks are popular because classic glamour is an enduring trend. The girls going to top bars like Azure and Circo are in an unofficial contest to see who has the thickest, shiniest, most sophisticated do – and competition is fierce.
London
The urban look is everything, and ladies sport pink, blue or green clip-in extensions everywhere from Dalston to Dulwich.
Newcastle
Geordie lasses love dip dye hairpieces, and for southern girls, curls are where it’s at. Thanks to the priestess of style, Kate Middleton, being a brunette looks more fun than ever, and hair extensions let everyone try the look out for themselves without having to fork out for a £600 blow dry. In 2012, fake hair is the real deal.
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By Lucy Peden
Britain Loves EntertainmentCycling
Close your eyes and imagine any road in Britain. Statistics say that you will almost definitely have just imagined people cycling. Right? Yeah you did. We love cycling in this country. Absolutely love it. Perhaps not as much as the Dutch love it, and not quite to the same extent that the people of Vietnam love their mopeds, but we’re not far behind.
Bicycles are great, and British cyclists fall into two camps. You’ve got the people who choose to hone a whippet-like frame, cover themselves top to toe in Lycra, and take their commute to work far too seriously. Some of them wear special shoes, some probably wear protective goggles. And then, in the meatier section of the venn diagram – if indeed this is a venn diagram – are the people in between. Otherwise known as “everyone else”.
The people who might have a pootle on a Boris Bike, or those who spent their childhood cycling slowly around town, occasionally doing clumsy wheelies to impress passing groups of girls. People who understand the quiet satisfaction of a weekend bike ride without turning it into a race. Yeah man, bikes are brilliant.
If you’re heading out on a weekend cycle, use our coverage checker to be sure you’ll be safe with signal on your phone wherever you’re riding to. We aim to have the best signal in the UK, so chances are you’ll be fine!
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By Josh Burt
Britain Loves a LaughFunny T-shirts
Ironic T-shirts have been a mainstay of British fashion for a good while now. Years ago wearing a T-shirt with the face of Mr. Blobby on would have made you look simple, now you are considered normal. And really, who doesn’t want to be considered normal?
Funny T-shirts are beloved by Britain especially those T-shirts with a British saying on.
Do you own any T-shirts that say:
- Strange Women Lying In Ponds Distributing Swords Is No Basis For A System Of Government
- You Say Potado… And I Say It Right
- I Have A Cunning Plan
- 100% British Beef
- Have You Tried Turning It Off And On Again?
- Don’t Mention The War
- Does This T-Shirt Make Me Look British?
- Keep Calm And Stop Buying These T-Shirts
- Bob’s Your Uncle
- Charlie Bit Me
- Pull My Finger
- British Do It Better
- What Time Does The Ten O’Clock Meeting Start?
- Not Only Am I Cute, I’m British Too
- How’s My Dancing? Call 0800 123456
- Stay On Your Feet
Wearing a humorous slogan across our chests is something that every nation should do. It’s like wearing a joke. We love it. Though, are people laughing with us or at us? Hmmm…
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By Tom Greaney
Britain Loves a LaughNewspaper headline puns
I can clearly remember the first brilliant pun I saw. I was nine and on holiday in Torquay. The name of the paper escapes me, but seeing the words ‘FRY ME KANGAROO BROWN, SPORT’ above an article about the increasing popularity of Kangaroo meat has stayed with me forever.
Although not solely confined to the tabloid press, The Guardian’s recent effort – ‘Higgs boson fever fills Cern with 24-hour particle people’ – proves that the broadsheets cannot hold a candle to the red tops and local newspapers when it comes to having pun. Here are some crackers.
From Russia With Gloves – The Sun
In 1994, Chelsea’s Russian goalkeeper Dimitri Kharin saved a penalty in Chelsea’s first European away game in years and was immortalized with this beauty.
Citroën on The Dock of The Bay – Cornish Local Press / Plymouth Evening Herald
There seems to be some debate over who used this first, so rather than anger the Cornish Liberation Front let’s just bask in its glory. We’d imagine the Mayor of Torpoint, whose car was stolen by joyriders and dumped in the Hamoaze Estuary, struggled to see the funny side of it.
Book Lack In Ongar – Private Eye
No list of puns would be complete without this stone cold classic relating to a library crisis in Essex.
Super Cally Goes Ballistic, QPR Atrocious – The Liverpool Echo
Although The Sun famously paid homage to this with ‘Super Caley Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious’ when John Barnes’ team were humiliated in the Scottish Cup by Inverness Caledonian Thistle in 2000, it was first wheeled out in the 1970s when Liverpool’s Ian Callaghan put QPR to the sword.
Hawk Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Park - The Sun
Only The Sun could turn a fight between a Kestrel and a Barn Owl into a pun that channels a 1970s British New Wave group. Genius.
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By Owen Blackhurst
Britain Loves EntertainmentStreet dance
If West End musicals have normalised the act of suddenly bursting into song, it’s the street dance trend that has made us expect to see groups of kids busting out their finest moves outside Barclays. Street dance may have started in the States, but it’s swept the UK and caught the imaginations of some incredibly talented people. Even the Isle of Man has started to host its first ever annual dance battle, in which ambitious dancers can bring their own backing music along and duel it out with other entrants.
The obsession with street dance might come from Britain’s love of dance movies. Films from Honey to Billy Elliot are about ordinary people discovering that the right moves can change their lives for the better. And after Diversity stormed the stage and stole our hearts on Britain’s Got Talent, we know that the power of street dance isn’t make believe.
If you want to try out some street dance moves, you don’t even have to hit the street. It’s become so popular that gyms all over the country are offering classes in it, so whether you’re a teen finding it tricky or a middle-aged mum who hasn’t danced in a while, you can learn some steps at a pace you feel comfortable with.
As with all sports, it’s important to wear the right kit, and with street dance, image is everything. Dancers favour low-slung tracksuit bottoms, tight, bright tees and visors. These clothes will let you move easily as well as making you look great. The most British part of our passion for street dance is that it’s made to be done in a group. There are solo stars, but the people of Britain are always going to be down for a dance that combines skill and teamwork.
Why not put your favourite street dance playlists on one of our smartphones here.
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By Lucy Peden
Britain Loves EntertainmentAgatha Christie Festival
Nobody likes getting murdered. Scientists have conclusively established this. But it’s a subject that fascinates everyone, from the lowliest butcher to the grandest purveyor of fine meat products. And there is only one lady’s name that comes to mind when murder is mentioned: Dame Agatha Christie.
Every September, Devon goes a little Christie crazy as her life and work are celebrated in the annual Agatha Christie Festival taking place on the English Riviera. And there will be murder mysteries everywhere. Oh look, is that an elderly man trying in vain to inflate a lilo in a high wind? No, it’s a murder mystery. Is that an angry businessman complaining about the quality of his continental breakfast? No, it’s a murder mystery. Is that a dog? No, it’s a murder mystery. There are murder mysteries all over the shop – even in the shops.
But it’s not just murder mysteries. There will be panels discussing the great lady’s work plus productions of some of her most celebrated writing. Cruises, ferry rides, train journeys and vintage bus tours will take in the significant locations in her life, plus there’ll be a ton of dances, garden parties, costumed balls, Christie quizzes and people dressed as Poirot. And many, many Devon cream teas. So many you will eventually be sick of the sight of them. Plus Torquay’s seafront joins in this crime jamboree with stalls selling goods from the era, jazz bands, Punch and Judy shows and fairground rides.
You can’t get more Agatha Christie than that. And did I mention the many murder mysteries? Oh, I see that I did. But did I get over the fact that there are murder mysteries everywhere, there might even be one happening right now? Even as you’re reading this, this could actually be some sort of murder mystery!
Spice up a Devon mini-break and incorporate this celebration of the Queen of Crime, as the English Riviera remembers one of its most famous daughters in a week-long Agatha Christie festival.
Visit www.englishriviera.co.uk/agathachristie for more information.
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By Dale Shaw
Britain Loves CollectingKitchen gadgets you don’t really need
You’ve only ever used that popcorn maker twice. But it’s there; safely tucked away at the back of the kitchen cupboard. And if you ever do get an urge to fill your face with popcorn - you know where to look.
Yes, you could probably survive without it, but that’s what makes kitchen gadgets so ace - we don’t need them. They represent wilful kitchen extravagance. It’s what Siegfried & Roy would use to chop their vegetables.
These are the gadgets we accumulate over the years, the stars of shopping channel ads and market stall demos. The magical choppers and demon slicers and dicers. The blenders (as in the video above, who needs a blender this powerful?) and stirrers and shakers and pasta makers.
In theory, they transform our kitchens into whizzing, whirring worlds of battery-powered automation and efficiency. But, truth be told, they’re mostly a bit fiddly to use.
We like the comfort of having an automatic stirrer in the cupboard - but it’s usually quicker to just use a spoon. But that’s okay. These kitchen wonders are designed to dazzle and amaze - not to be used.
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By Tom Law
Britain Loves ShoppingDressing up dogs
Britain loves a well dressed dog. And more importantly, dogs love being dressed up. You can tell this by the slightly worried expression a dog makes when photographed in an outfit. It’s their way of showing complete and utter joy at their owner’s decision to dress them in a pink glittery top and matching collar.
It all probably started innocently enough. A concerned pet owner thought their pup looked a bit chilly, popped a child’s-size top on it and doggy clothing was invented! Which frankly should have happened decades ago.
Every wannabe fashionista knows the importance of a well chosen accessory. Leaving the house with a naked Chihuahua slung under your arm only highlights your inability to put an outfit together. In the fashion faux pas stakes it’s the equivalent of nipping to the corner shop in your slippers.
Thankfully dressing your dog will prevent any crimes against couture. For maximum effect you could get matching outfits. You could colour co-ordinate your outfit to your pooch’s choice of evening wear; tuxedo for the gentleman, ball gown for the lady. Or perhaps you just both want to chillax in the park in a hoodie.
If you don’t want to deal with washing and ironing your pet’s clothes you can always follow Peaches Geldof’s hassle free option and just dye your dog’s hair!
Finally the all important complement to any outfit - a signature smell. A snip at £52.95, you can treat your hound to some Big Dawg perfume from Harrods. Though, I’m not sure there are notes of vanilla strong enough to overpower the stench of wet Labrador.
A special mention should also go to the fancy dress option for dogs. If a pug dressed up as Darth Vader doesn’t make your heart melt then there’s no hope for you.
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By Rebecca Lomax
Britain Loves ShoppingPumps
Fashion is a strange old beast. At the time it seems to make so much sense doesn’t it? I mean during the 90s everyone else was wearing a T-shirt that changed colour in the heat so you thought you should too. Yet when you take out the photo album (a concept to be lost on future generations of digital photo hoarders) and look back at your clothes you just think, “What was I thinking?”
Britain may well be in the thrall of such a current trend. It all makes sense now but will it in a decade’s time? See, what were once your nan’s shoes for going out in the garden with are now a must have fashion accessory. Pumps. Everyone is wearing them. As light in weight as they are in durability, these shoes have a lifetime shorter than a mayfly with a heart complaint.
So why do we love a pair of pumps? Well, first, they are comfortable. Flat pumps don’t bring about severe spine trauma in later life that high heels do. Second, they are perfect for all occasions, they can be worn to dinner, work, fashion week, an everyday item that every girl needs. Third, unlike in our nan’s day we now have more options than plain old black. Today, pumps come in all different styles and colours and we love them for it.
Britons across the land love nothing more than popping on some pumps for a night out, evening in or to go out in the garden just as their nan did years ago. If they were good enough for Audrey Hepburn and your nan (apologies if Audrey Hepburn is also your nan) then they are good enough for all of us.
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By Tom Greaney
Britain Loves a EntertainmentWide boys
When in 2004 Only Fools and Horses was voted as Britain’s Greatest Ever Sitcom, it proved once and for all that we love a wide boy. Of course, John Sullivan’s tremendous writing played a part in this, but it was the performance of David Jason as Derek ‘Del Boy’ Trotter and his dodgy Russian camcorders that struck a chord with multiple generations of Brits.
From Robin Hood to Del Boy via Minder, Private Walker from Dad’s Army and the Artful Dodger (the character from Oliver! rather than the Garage artist, obviously) Britain’s love for these loveable rogues has resulted in several nicknames. So, whether you know them as a wide boy, a spiv, a jack the lad or a wheeler-dealer, here are some of our favourites…
Derek ‘Del Boy’ Trotter
The undisputed king of the wide boys. So beloved by the nation that his catchphrases - from the ubiquitous ‘lovely jubbly’ and ‘plonker’ to the ridiculous ‘mange tout’ and ‘petis pois’ - have gained a permanent place in the lexicon.
Harry ‘Arry’ Redknapp
In not getting the England job and being bizarrely sacked by Tottenham, Harry Redknapp has been dealt a rough hand. But, even though he refutes his status as a wheeler-dealer, we’re sure he’ll be back on his feet in no time and telling us all how t’riffic life is.
Dominic ‘Dom’ Littlewood
The classic case of poacher turned gamekeeper. Until 2001 Littlewood was a bona fide second-hand car salesman, but now uses his expertise to hunt down wide boy burglars and counterfeiters on Cowboy Builders, Fake Britain and Don’t Get Done, Get Dom.
Terry ‘Talk To Me’ Tibbs
Whether he’s trying to buy an antique fireplace off an elderly lady in North Wales or offering over the odds for a Rolls Royce, Tibbs’ ‘Talk To Me’ sketches from his used-car office are what make Fonejacker essential viewing.
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By Owen Blackhurst
Britain Loves EntertainmentCelebrity couples
Britain loves celebrities, or more specifically celebrity couples. Tracking who’s dating who is high on our list of priorities along with food, shelter and water. If we’re not up to date on Z-listers love lives frankly our own social status will wither and die. No-one wants to be out of the loop during that all important mid-morning water cooler chat in the office.
Having the latest gossip on which Made In Chelsea toff is boffing the other is our social currency. We trade it back and forth in hushed tones, even though we’re in Stockton-on-Tees and 250 miles away from anyone off the telly.
What makes famous fumblings even more fascinating is the seemingly never ending chain of people that are connected to each other. On the map of celebrity shenanigans you can travel from A-List to Z-List in just a couple of steps.
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By Rebecca Lomax
Britain Loves EntertainmentThe everyman celebrity
Every year, queues for reality TV shows stretch for miles. Maniacs doing vocal runs, hot girls who insist that if they’ve got a problem with someone they’ll tell them, umpteen dance troupes - all hoping to become rich and famous beyond their wildest dreams.
Only, as it goes, without a decent skill to fall back on, these hopefuls tend to peak early then disappear for good. No. A good reality show star needs a trade, they need to have a line in bricklaying, or DIY. That way, once their shiny personality has dazzled its last dazzle, they can still find a home on daytime TV, filling the late afternoon void with all manner of helpful DIY bumph. Think of Craig Phillips from Big Brother 1 - the man who outsmarted Nasty Nick, took all of his clothes off more than once, and even tried to crash the pop charts.
Without Craig’s bricklaying and DIY skills, he’d be just another Scott Turner (a man no one remembers from Big Brother 4, FYI). Yep, Britain loves a back to basics handy man alright.
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By Josh Burt
Britain Loves a LaughPulling a sickie
“I’m sorry, I can’t come in today *cough!* I’ve been sucked into a hole in the space continuum and I’m trapped in 1955!”
Britain is brilliant at pulling sickies. Let’s face it, we’ve all done it. When we can’t face the grind of another day slaving over the photocopier and watching the clock. When we’ve had enough of Leanne from accounts talking about her wedding. When we just can’t go on another minute staring at spreadsheets and smiling that fake smile at the boss. Call it a ‘mental health day’ if you will, but sometimes we just want to stick it to The Man and grab ourselves some valuable free time. Either that or we are actually sick.
With the average public sector worker taking on average 12 sick days a year (or Fun Days, as we should really call them), Britain is best at coming up with amazing excuses for taking a nice little one-day holiday and coming up smiling Monday morning.
Here’s a quick list of some of the best real-life sick day excuses used on British employers…
- “A chicken attacked my mother”
- “I’ve got my fingers stuck in a bowling ball”
- “I can’t come in, my glass eye fell out and I can’t find it.”
- “My house has locked me in.”
- “My sink is blocked.”
- “I’m ill in bed with my gran.”
- “A pitbull just ate my cat.”
- “A cow broke into my house.”
- “My dog tried to eat a box of staples while I was in the shower and I need to keep an eye on things.”
- “My bed broke and I’m trapped under it.”
So at the risk of getting your P45, have a little rest, especially on the first Monday of February which is statistically the day most likely for employees to phone in sick.
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By Lucy Sweet
